Sunday 9 August 2009

Killzone 2

I was going to write something about Killzone 2 this week.

I was going to, but some prick burgled me while I was out running, so now I don't have a PS3 or Killzone 2. Or a phone.

This week's lesson: Killzone 2 will get your stuff nicked.

Tuesday 4 August 2009

Red Faction Guerrilla

You know how beige isn’t cool, and hasn’t been for about 30 years? Do you also remember how it’s so uncool that having anything monochrome would have you killed by firing squad should the Fashion Police ever come into force? Why, then, is pretty much every game and film that comes out these days is moody and brown? Hike the brightness up again and you’d swear we’d warped back three decades.

Red Faction Guerrilla is a breath of fresh air as far as gaming goes (meaning the air in your living room is still going to smell of sweat and farts) by taking this fad and sticking a few explosive charges up its arse. Orange is the new brown here. I know it’s set on Mars, but the story is so dull and generic that I can say with a high degree of certainty that they added the “Mars” bit of the story somewhere towards the end of development and thought it was decent justification for painting everything orange.

The story goes thus: it’s the future and someone decided to start mining on Mars, so it’s been terraformed (without any kind of flora or forna) in order for average Joe miner to go down t’pit in a fancy futuristic jacket and headset. Presumably because setting stuff in space with mechs isn’t cool anymore either. No wait, there are ruddy great mechs in Guerrilla too, but only when the game is in a good mood. Funny how a game centred around destruction only occasionally lets you use the biggest destructo-toy conceived outside the nuke in Fallout 3’s Megaton. No wait, not funny. Shit.

If you didn’t already know, the big gimmick in Red Faction Guerrilla is the ability to return every building to its Ikea origins. To do so, you’re given a choice of explosive charges, sledge hammers, rocket launchers, slightly different rocket launchers, the death-ray from 1940’s sci-fi movies and a variety of rugged manly SUVs. The latter being a delightful way to fail hostage rescue missions.

Anyway, the story (which I lost interest in after about 5 minutes) is about a miner whose miner brother has been killed by a French energy provider and it turns out they’re not very nice people, so they’ve been pissing off the other colonists for a bit too. As the new boy it’s your job to lead the revolution even though neither you nor the character can be arsed. So you’ll spend all your time finding buildings to destroy.

Almost immediately after I started playing Guerrilla about half a million people simultaneously asked me if it was worth buying, and I couldn’t answer them. Partly because I’d only been playing it for about 20 minutes, but mostly because I couldn’t decide whether the destruction was fun enough to make up for the crap story. Don’t get me wrong, I love sci-fi stuff (and still need to get around to watching the modern Battlestar Galactica) and sneaky bollocks revolution – even to the extent of being slightly interested in the Maquis in Star Trek. Although that’s probably just because most of their screen time involved the Defiant blowing shit up, but nevermind, I’m not talking about Star Trek here.

After realising the rocket launchers were completely useless, the charges were unpredictable, the hammer was awesome and the death-ray carried about as much ammo as I do, I spent a few hours tearing through any building in sight in an SUV, stopping occasionally to batter it with my hammer. As I did so I kept asking myself the question “would I buy this with my own money?”.

After various private eye/wedding planner ponderance clich├ęs (such as pacing, drinking and curling up in a corner for a bit), I came up with nothing and played Prototype for a bit. At which point, I decided InFamous pulled off the superpower sandbox better than Prototype and I’d rather still be playing Red Faction Guerrilla. I guess that means that Guerrilla has my highly coveted and much respected seal of approval (which I refuse to make a logo for).

But.

I love sandbox games scattered with various creative challenges, and Guerrilla provides well with transport missions and a distinctly memorable game of explosive golf. Bounding across Martian dunes in a space buggy SUV thing is weirdly compelling too. The actual story missions are a load of balls though. The story itself is dull, and the missions are what you’d call hectic if you grew up in a trench during the early 20th century. And they rapidly get more hectic. With no word of a lie, the last mission I attempted had me facing off against at least 5 tanks during a time limit and no chance to restock on ammo. Or health. A few broken control pads later, I gave up, played a few cathartic demolition challenges and realised my time was up with Guerrilla.

My final word is that I recommend Red Faction Guerrilla, and if I can be arsed, I’ll probably buy it myself in order to beat that mission if nothing else. Bollocks to that, my final word is my own word. Ponderance.

(Edit: Apparently "ponderance" means "weight" or "gravity", but I prefer my own meaning derived from "pondering").

Thursday 9 July 2009

inFamous

Let’s keep the moaning about my punctuality to ourselves, shall we? I’m still not getting paid and seeing as you’re one of a maximum of maybe four people reading this, it’s not worth any of us getting worked up.

As anyone who’s walked into a games shop over the last year or two has noticed, the PS3 is really fucking expensive when you consider it’s direct rival does the same job for much cheaper. I mean, the exact same job, none of this Hyundai are cheaper than Volkswagen bollocks; if anything, the 360 does the same job to a higher standard (between asthma attacks, of course). Also, anyone who’s tried showing their friends Little Big Planet will know (at some point or another) that the PS3 does things at its own pace, and if you don’t like it, you’d better hope there’s something good on TV.

In the interests of fairness, I personally own both consoles and have only the HDDVD add-on between the two to stop them from fighting. Anyway! I decided to take a small break from beefing up my totally pointless Gamerscore – relying heavily on the thought that the bigger it gets, the less healthy my social life is – and give this year’s PS3 exclusive a try.

By all respects, inFamous should have me sold on the PS3 before I even take it out of the box. As I whinged about in my bit on Haze, I revel in games that allow me to be as evil as possible, and I think the stark contrast (i.e., leg humping) in my Crackdown piece, I love a super-powered sandbox game. And while it is fun leaping off the top of a building and hitting the ground like an electrified meteor, killing every living thing on screen, inFamous has its problems. Which I shall now whinge about.

I always assume that any game that gets delayed will be eventually released with any noticeable bugs well and truly snuffed out like bubbles in wallpaper, which is why I was – well, let’s save some space and say I was “disappointed” – with a particular bug in inFamous. It was just one little bug, and although it hardly seems worth mentioning, I feel that my dearest, loyal readership deserves to know. This bug MOTHERFUCKING KILLED ME FOUR TIMES for no particular reason, in the middle of rather difficult missions. Surely there are teams of people looking out for bugs that drop your character through the floor of the level and kill him. Even if it means the bug is “fixed” by having your character dropped back into the map near where you outwitted the processor. Don’t you dare think it’s just because I fell through a pier and drowned. It’s like that bug on GTA 3, only it kills you rather than drops you back into the map.

That’s not something I’m willing to forgive, let alone when the game focuses around some ugly twat firing lightning out of every orifice and only accepts water as a conductor. I lost count of the number of times I thought I could be a clever arse and murder a load of enemies by sending half a zillion volts through the metal staircase those smug fucks were hiding in. No, apparently not. Train tracks? No, although they do let you skate along them. Buses covered in scrap iron? No, somehow covering a metal box in other pieces of metal makes it more resistant to electricity. I guess it’s my own fault I’m disappointed. I was expecting a shiny, new, current generation exclusive to demonstrate some new and interesting features, rather that finding a new way to take guns out of players’ hands.

I thought I was angry at inFamous, but it turns out I’m just disappointed. Until further notice, Crackdown is my ultimate in a sandbox game because it keeps things simple. You have superpowers, they get better as you kick more arse and most cardinal sins of gaming are sidestepped by the fact that there are absolutely no cutscenes or “points of interest”, as the story goes simply thus:

”Kill anything that tries to kill you, however you can.”

InFamous falls short on this by locking the city until you run through a dangerously uninteresting story and ties you down to the two most unlikeable characters since… well Haze, probably. Although most cutscenes in inFamous are done in their own comicbook style, the bits that rely on people actually interacting are so shamefully crap, I actually wondered if I could personally do a better job. I’ve only ever done coding once and I was the only person who managed to suck enough to break the engine we were using. Even so, I probably could’ve made smoother and more realistic animations. I’ll just say the lip synching is terrible by the standards laid down by the original Thunderbirds and leave it at that.

In short, if you’re looking for an excuse to justify your fanboyish claims that the PS3 is not just equal to, but greater than the 360, then inFamous isn’t going to do you any favours. If you’re looking for innovation or variety, inFamous is going to go down about as well as a retired basketball player on an obese midget. However, if you are in fact the niche that wants to run around a ruined city firing lightning bolts at people’s faces for hours on end, then I honestly can’t think of a better way of doing so that doesn’t involve illegal hallucinogenics.

The sandbox fun continues within the next fortnight or so (when I can be arsed) after I’ve played Red Faction Guerrilla.

Wednesday 13 May 2009

Ninja Blade

I’ve never been to Japan, and I’ve only briefly played Devil May Cry so I should be at a disadvantage reviewing Ninja Blade; but I’m still not an idiot. While I’ve never been there personally, I’m willing to bet that the Japanese government doesn’t have an elite squadron of ninjas, but even if they did I’m they wouldn’t be prepared to fire them out the back of a dropship several thousand feet in the air in the event of some bizarre natural disaster. Nor will they have such a group in the next few years. Think about it. Even if they did employ people with cat-like reflexes, agility that lets them run along walls and the ability to look at the world in bullet time, there are much better uses for them other than canon fodder:

- pilots
- decorators
- more dangerous pilots
- research subjects
- even more dangerous pilots
- pilots who can touch up the paintwork on Air Force One mid flight
- a funnier variant of a pilot

You see? That list took me about four seconds to think of. All I’m saying is that if I was in charge of dispatching people with such impressive abilities, my first idea wouldn’t be to drop them out of a plane into a room full of mutants armed with little more than a couple of sodding sticks. There’s a special breed of people for that job, Gene Roddenberry thought of it over 40 years ago. They’re called “redshirts”. All you need is some red tops, one person with a name worthy of appearing in a movie (such as “Jake Bullet”) who’ll survive and report back to you, and about eight people known only as something like “Hernandez” or “O’Reilly”. Yeah, they’ll certainly all die, but who cares? The mission will be successful. Eventually.

If there’s any kind of warning I need to give regarding Ninja Blade, it’s that if you already hate quick time events, don’t bother with it unless you want to develop a full-blown allergy, new found immunity and then another allergy all over again. Most of the game consists of random button presses as prompted on-screen and occasionally you get to walk around a bit. Oh yeah, avoid Ninja Blade if you don’t fancy spending most of you time stabbing giant penises. I have no idea what this problem is with giant penises, but pretty much all western interpretations of Japanese culture involves ninjas and penises. Great, throbbing, deformed penises capable of tearing down buildings. I’m not even doing justice to how predominant giant penises are in Ninja Blade. Seriously. I spent a while wondering if I’d get more of a kick out of it if I was a gay nymphomaniac.

I guess Ninja Blade is the game for people who don’t think they’ve played enough Devil May Cry (and really, they have) and also still enjoy cornering insects and pulling their legs off one by one. Unless you’re fighting a flying boss, all you do to anything bigger than yourself is quick time event it until it can’t run away anymore, then slowly cut its legs off with a couple of blunt swords. I know the story is about some weird insects infecting humans and turning them into horrific monstrosities, but considering the government is telling me to kill them one by one by cutting their legs off slowly and painfully, I was beginning to think I was the evil one.

Then I remembered that I wasn’t the one firing bolts of lighting resulting in another completely unnecessary quick time event, and dragging boss battles out for about an hour and repeating the same fucking routine over and over until eventually it worked properly. If you are fighting a flying boss, however, you’ll be delighted to know that the battle will be reminiscent of the boss hand thing in Super Smash Bros. on the highest difficulty setting. The only differences are that it’ll take longer because it’s just slightly higher off the ground and your ninja has a habit of occasionally getting caught up in his own awesomeness with a katana and as such will savage whatever direction you accidentally pointed him at for a few seconds while the boss comes up behind you and pulls your skull out through your colon.

I get a distinct impression that during the Ninja Blade design meetings, there was someone bouncing up and down in the corner repeatedly shouting “MAKE IT MORE AWESOME” without really giving any insight as to what they meant by “awesome”. As such, you’ll run along walls, plummet from the sky, fight along walls, fight in the sky and even (and I’m not joking):

- grab a freshly vomited motorbike out of the air at around 4000 feet
- ride it along a pair of coaches
- ram it down the throat of one of the giant asteroid worms from Star Wars: Episode IV and detonate it

I didn’t quite manage to finish it, but that’s not because it’s any measure of a long game, I was just a bit embarrassed about hacking giant penises during daylight and could only play it for a while during the small hours of the morning. I also have friends.

I think the tone they aimed for in Ninja Blade was “action thriller” but kind of missed the mark on account of deformed people stopped being scary some time before I Am Legend came out and made us question how they could be truly dangerous if they’re such big pussies that they can’t set foot in daylight. There’s also the fact that most of the action is so over the top that it goes right beyond corny and is just really funny. Speaking of which, what kind of city has “an emergency catapult” in it’s fucking sewage system?! It’s only possible use would be to make the Saint’s Row sanitation activity a lot less challenging, or conveniently enough, launching a giant insect into orbit. There’s also the ability to dress your uber graceful ninja/warrior/government agent up as the Queen of Hearts or a clown, which undermines pretty much every aspect of the game somewhat. I thought I could make the game more entertaining by dressing my ninja as a packet of gum, but that didn’t do the trick if I’m honest.

While not content with ripping off Devil May Cry and misrepresenting modern Japan completely, Ninja Blade spent and entire level missing the point of Snakes On A Plane; which is of course just to hear Samuel L. Jackson shouting “I’ve had enough of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane”. Instead it has you fighting some giant snake thing with god knows how many heads (maybe it was just three, but I’m sure I shot a few off on my way to the plane and cut a few more off while on the bloody thing) while on the wing of a cargo jet.

Personally, I feel a bit ripped off by Ninja Blade. It was on my incredibly short list of games I thought I’d be interested in this year only to turn out to be Devil May Cry via I Am Legend by way of quick time events. If you really want to run through some ruined corridors to twat a few colossal penises with a blunt stick for a few hours on end, I recommend Ninja Blade. I’ve just discovered that there is in fact a way to use stealth in Viking: Battle for Asgard, so I say “fuck that” to Ninja Blade.

Thursday 7 May 2009

Duke Nukem NEVER

As I said in at least one of my older posts, I've had my own theories about Duke Nukem Forever. And by theories, I mean doubts. Twelve years in development, initials of DNF (commonly used in motor racing, meaning "Did Not Finish") and I'm sure I had some other points that've escaped me at the minute.

Anyway, whether you're aware or not, 3D Realms (the Duke's parents), just went tits-up and have conveniently and officially launched Duke Nukem Forever into the same hole most people are throwing adventure games into. My sources indicate that this hole leads directly to the seventh layer of hell. Pity.

This, in turn, essentially means that Duke Nukem Forever doesn't have Doctor in a Soap Opera's chance of surviving. Bollocks to Take-Two saying they're holding onto the rights. The rights are probably all that exist of Duke Nukem Forever anyway. At least it made me giggle that they've said while they'll be holding the name, they wont be paying development costs anymore.

Saturday 2 May 2009

Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard (and me, I guess)

As I now have a maximum of about three people even aware that I do stuff on the internet, I feel obliged to keep them entertained and/or informed. Actually, those few people should be quite aware of what I’ve been up to anyway – which is frankly a bit scary. Anyway, my point is that I kind of gave up writing my reviews quite suddenly when I realised it was a stupid idea and I should just go back to university if I ever want to be successful. Or at least make enough money to live on my own. Fuck it, enough money to run a car.

Well, one of the reasons I stopped was because I was trying to get my life in order and shit, and the other, more important one was that every game making its way through production was either a pile of wank or ANOTHER third person shooter using the Unreal Engine, or both. So I tried making a statement along the lines of: “look, you clinically retarded developers, we’ve played Gears of War, now give us something else”.

No one listened, and we still ended up with shit like an Onechanbara remake, a racing game that looked exactly like Forza 2 but cost about four times as much, and Wheelman. Nuff said. As I said earlier, I was planning on playing Banjo Kazooie Nuts & Bolts, but realised that it wouldn’t stop the trickle of [shit] games coming out this year and could no longer be arsed to do anything short of breathing.

Eventually I got my hands on Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard and thought it a fitting game to bother showing my virtual face on the internet again (presumably for people to ignore me and just have sex on said virtual face). I’d already had both the people in my hometown who’d played it repeatedly jumping on my love spuds calling it just another third person shooter and about as long as a wank on a train (maybe that last bit is just me). Before getting the chance to unravel from the foetal position and ask if it was at least funny, the discussion had quickly dwindled towards Call of Duty’s online awesomeness. So, my beloved audience, I cried. I cried long and hard.

Right, enough of that bollocks, back to business.

Indeed, Eat Lead is another third person shooter that holds your hand as you hide behind a wall and occasionally pop out to clean the arena of a few retards before moving on. There’s also the odd quick time event. But hell, it’s a parody of gaming, so setting it up as a third person shooter like every other bastard game in the last year or so is the right starting point, isn’t it? Isn’t it?! You know, being painfully aware of what’s wrong with the gaming industry and using it as a platform for taking the piss out of it? All that shit? Yeah?

Fuck it, let’s be honest, it could’ve been a bit more experimental and edgy. Nevermind, at least it had some decent gags.



Dammit. Because of those decent gags, I can’t really take the piss out of them, they did it for me. And they ripped on Red Steel, which earned masses of respect in my opinion (worthless piece of shit left me spinning around like a dog that’d just swallowed it’s bodyweight in caffeine), then went on to taking the piss out of unnecessarily complicated mission objectives in games aimed at people who think opening a tin of beans is mentally challenging.

What can I say against it? Anything I can think of gets thrown back in my face along with a message wrapped around a brick saying “it was a joke, dipshit”. I wont dare say it was brilliantly designed, but at least they had the common sense to veil shit design with a self-degrading gag.

TRYING TO WRITE ABOUT THIS GAME IS LIKE HAVING A KNIFE FIGHT WITH A LEMMING.

Seriously, there’s a really shit checkpoint towards the end of the game that forces you to kill one of eight tentacles, then shows a pretty long cutscene telling you that you’re doing well and have seven left; and let’s face it, sod’s law says you’re going to die at some point between that cutscene and killing the last tentacle. So you’ll have to kill the first tentacle and watch the annoying cutscene again. Just as I think I’ve found something to get good and wound up about, it sticks some deja-vu into the repeated cutscene and makes me giggle. I also deliberately repeated "cutscene" for rhetoric effect or some cleverbollocks thing like that.

Let’s face it, Eat Lead knows it’s target audience annoyingly well and only dicks itself over on two things: it is shorter than something inappropriate on public transport, and no one thought to actually make the back catalogue of Matt Hazard games. All they had to do was leave some of the writers with some computing students for a few weeks and promise them free pizza while they worked. I know the point was that Matt Hazard isn’t an existing gaming franchise, but they could’ve at least re-skinned the games they were taking the piss out of.

Can’t really mock the controls for anything other than lack of imagination, but as we all know, third person shooters don’t need original controls. Too Human proved this quite well by taking away camera control and making melee combat about as vague as a mouse farting in a dark room flooded by a high powered fog machine. There’s also a complete lack of unlockable extras and fetch quests, but I don’t actually care because in my experience you need to have precisely no life to get all of a game’s unlockables. Key example; find me someone who unlocked the Spartan in Dead or Alive 4, then show me them doing something normal human beings do (like physically conversing with another human being or something). The same goes for all you freaks with the Security Helmet in Halo 3. Yeah, I went there.

Seeing as you’ll almost certainly finish Eat Lead over lunch, I can’t recommend you buy it, but seeing as the games industry is currently resembling the average American citizen (i.e., uninformed, retarded and slowly dying from a massive build up of shite in it’s veins), I definitely recommend you play through it in some way, shape or form. I mean, come on; it mellowed me out enough to remember that Star Trek Online is supposed to be out this year and got me to start writing again.

Well, kind of. If there’s still shit all worth playing, you wont hear much from me for a while.

Sunday 19 April 2009

Where I've Been

I was recently asked to post a review for a dear (and very odd) chum of mine, along with one or two people from the internet but I can't remember.

In response, I was planning on reviewing The Club. As such, I decided to give it a whack playing as the Jamaican guy purely for the reason that I could make lots of Commander Worf references. After playing through one arena I got really bored, acknowledged that it was definitely by the same group of people behind mindless shooty games like House of The Dead and decided I didn't really reed to play it any longer. It was also too shit for me to really write anything substantial or funny, aside from the fact that after the first arena the difficulty curve goes right up God's arse via your own, and abandonned the idea. It's also about a year old so no one gives a toss what I've got to say about it.

Then I decided I'd give HAWX a try, until I remembered there isn't a fat lot you can say about a flight sim. Yeah, it has guns, but it's still a fucking flight sim. It's the same reason I haven't reviewed any racing games (aside from Burnout Paradise, but that was a bit of a nostalgia trip for me). With that in mind I was going to play Banjo Kazooie Nuts & Bolts. But I couldn't get hold of a copy for some weird reason. Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard attracts my attention, but again, I can't get hold of a copy because no one is paying my gaming bill and I'm saving up for a car.

Gears of War 2? Still boycotting it, and everyone already has an opinion on it too. Resident Evil 5? Didn't play any of the others so I'd be a bit lost.

Basically, I'll post a new review when there's something I think is worth playing is out or when people start supplying the games and a fanbase.

WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE NO ORIGINAL GAMES THIS YEAR?!

Monday 23 February 2009

Some housekeeping...

For both of you who care, and maybe even one of you will notice, I've been bloody quiet for the last 3 months. Well, I've been busy trying to either get a real job (failed, but I guess I impressed someone at ReadyUp.com seeing as I made it into the top 20 of over 700); I've also had to move my parents to and from Ireland, got my driving test nailed down now (I'm all grown up with a licence, fuck you Yahtzee Croshaw) and I've also decided to go back to university doing something I know something about.

Anyway, gaming news and stuff:
  • the DSi will be out some time this year, for those of you with more money than sense and there are offers for knocking about already. I.e., for the 7 or 8 people who bought the PSP-3000: you can trade it in and get the DSi for £70
  • 360's are still breaking uncontrollably but we still love our Gamerscores
  • PS3's are still expensive but reliable - probably because no one can afford to play anything on them
  • 360's play .avi files once you download the media update (for all you nasty media pirate types)
  • I'm 90% sure that JJ Abram's Star Trek is an expansion on the TNG episode Reunification
  • If you call that a spoiler, cry me a river. I figured it out myself
  • Lego's awesome
  • The Wii is not
  • The new Prince of Persia is pretty good
  • Far Cry 2 isn't technically bad, but it's boring as fuck
  • GTA: The Lost and The Damned has a Road Rash-esque minigame which is work 1600 MS Points in my opinion
  • I get RSI from playing Guitar Hero World Tour sat down
  • The Fuzz minigame on Saint's Row 2 had me in stitches
  • I mean it this time, I'm not going on /b/ anymore
  • I'm not going to help you find it, even if you did a coca cola bottle and need help
That's about it. If anyone really cares, I'll start posting bitesize reviews for games, but I've essentially got three jobs now so bleh.